It was at the request of Konnor’s mother (my daughter) and his father that the theme of his wake be not a goodbye but an “until we meet again.” The very thought of never being united, touching him or laying eyes upon him again was too much to bear.
I have not applied this concept enough in my grief journey. We will meet again? I put so much focus on Konnor being gone forever. I could not wrap my mind around the concept of this. This is grief. We grieve the fact that we can never again in our lifetime be with that person. It tortures our soul, our minds and our hearts. This fact in and of itself is difficult if not nearly impossible to come to terms with. So we grieve and we fight to reach a point where we can resume somewhat of a normal life, to live without constant sadness and despair.
I suppose if I was to be candid I could tell you I find comfort in my sadness when I do experience it. My sadness allows me to feel an emotion during long periods of numbness that at times leads me to believe I can no longer feel anything. Grief has made me an emotional mute. I tell myself this is part of the normal process. However, rather than continuing along this lonely route I must open my eyes, truly open them and look for Konnor in other forms. In ways of peace and of joy. He is still with me.
Happiness and moving forward is possible after loss, I am slowly progressing toward this point. Like a weakened patient slowly making their way after a long illness, I am in recovery mode. It has been extremely difficult. Circumstances and family dynamics has a lot to do with my slow pace. I try to focus on the day, my children and my grandchildren. Konnor is still a part of my life even though he is not here physically. Because for me, I find Konnor everywhere, in moments of joy and moments of sadness.
Until we meet again. Konnor, you are within me, deep in my soul where no one can touch, change, damage or weaken my love for you. It is not buried or hidden in shame but protected so it will endure as long as I will endure. Love is here in my heart for you Konnor, it is everlasting.
You are everywhere I am. You were with me on my escape. I saw you on the beach in the butterflies that came out of nowhere to float up to my face. I see you in the angel-shaped cloud that went unnoticed until looking over pictures later that day. The ocean, the sand and the sky surrounding me, enveloping me in beauty as I walked along searching for shells. Being present on that beach thinking about you, somewhere up in the heavens. Beauty, glory and you. You my beautiful grandson whom are never far from my mind.
Until we meet again I continue on this slow, steady, adventurous life. Scarred. Aimless. Fatigued. Uncertain. Mourning. Broken. Longing. Empty. Living. Lying. Hiding. Hoping.
Until we meet again I am without. Without direction, without ambition. Without…you.
Minutes turn into days as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and it will soon be two years without you. When you think you can’t make it you soon realize you do and you have. Although I still find myself reciting the words, “I can’t believe he’s gone.” No family believes they will ever suffer such a loss. It’s all a living nightmare and we are clearly awake.
Until we meet again I push sadness aside and seek joy. For joy was what you brought to me. Every moment of your sweet life was a blessing to me. To allow grief and sadness to steal the smile that you brought to me is a dishonor. I find as I allow peace to enter not only is my soul healing but my eyes are opening as well. Blessed are the broken for they shall see the light and I see you. I finally see what you are showing me here and now. I see your signs. I see you.
Until we meet again I can’t see you in my dreams yet or touch you or hear you but I can feel you. You still make me so very proud. You, my amazing, precious grandson leave me breathless.
Until we meet again.