Rest In Peace And Me In Pieces

Here it is again. The anniversary of his passing. Bittersweet November. The first snowfall I can’t help but think of Konnor, he passed the day after that first snowfall of 2015. A blizzard, then a stillness.

A quiet I will never forget as I made my way to the hospital that dreadful day. The only sound was me. My sobs and my voice begging Konnor to just hold on. It wasn’t to be. I know he tried. But his body wouldn’t allow him to stay.

Tragic memories are never forgotten. Ingrained forever in our minds, changing us. Wounding, leaving us scarred.

My family and I are in pieces. I won’t fool myself and say it is only his passing that brought us to this point. Rather I think I simply became too lost to do anything about it. I was one person and there was too many.

I wanted to move into these later years with my family and grandchildren surrounding me in love. I find myself often lost in thought trying to figure out where things went wrong.

My home surrounded by pictures of smiling grandchildren is now slowly being replaced. Photographs now of flowers and other images to help me to heal. Those smiling faces that I can no longer see are not a constant painful reminder. A reminder that I am not allowed to see them. My life now in pieces.

I am not going to focus my precious energy on the broken pieces or try to force them back together but simply find peace with what is. Realize I have no control over what happens next. Stop trying to figure out how the pieces fell apart. Because at this point, it changes nothing.

In not knowing what tomorrow may bring, I am learning that although things are so very different from how I wanted them to be, they are how some members of my family want it to be. Peace and happiness are what I have been wanting for my family, if this is what their happiness is, a life separated from one another, so be it. They have their peace although we are now fragmented.

The things that have happened within myself and my family in the three years since Konnor’s death has shaped me into who I am now. Those within as well as outside my family that cared about me have understood my suffering, my memory lapses, my behavioral changes and everything that goes along with the tragedy of the loss of that beautiful boy.

Those that can’t, have given up on me. They may have never understood me or loss or ever read my blog to get a glimpse inside my thoughts, the thoughts of this distraught grandmother. A grandmother who loved so deeply and cannot forget that child. I thought this was something to be proud of.

Acceptance of the changes within my family must happen just as I had to accept that Konnor was gone. All the crying, all the denying in the world did not change a thing. It couldn’t bring him back. Maybe that was my biggest problem. I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock for so long and grief changed me.

Did grief shatter our family into pieces? Fuck. I carry so much guilt over other things, I refuse to feel guilty for my grief. That is just too much of a burden to bear.

Any relationship where love feeds your soul with so much joy whether it is with your own children or grandchildren or a spouse, then is devastated to the heart’s core by a sudden death is life shattering. There is no way around it.

I love my kids. I will always carry a piece of them within me. If they are happy this is all that truly matters. Even though this happiness may mean a life without me in it. I can try to find some peace within myself and somehow mend what is broken within me. Maybe someday they will understand, I did the best I could.

Konnor, I still think about you. All the time. Only now there isn’t so much sadness behind it. I can smile now when I think about you. Your laugh, your clumsiness. I think about you, how special you were. How lucky I really am to have had you in my life. I cry less but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I miss you so very much.

I always will.

Rest In Peace my sweet Grandson. I love you still.

Posted by

Grieving Grandmother to Konnor Mason who passed suddenly at eight years old on November 22, 2015. With this blog I hope to share my thoughts and feelings as I move forward through grief toward hope and healing.

6 thoughts on “Rest In Peace And Me In Pieces

  1. Once again im crying as i read your rawness and it hurts my heart for you!! I know i dont know your family but i think the direction they have taken is just plain cruel!!! You are so bloody strong.. one could easily curl up into a little ball and give up !! You hang in there and keep moving forward and fighting for peace in your life . One day their hearts will open up and they will hopefully understand what their decision has done and how it has affected you as well as the rest of the family. I pray that this will happen soon…. i cant believe that their actions have brought them peace…
    It is something to be proud off !! Your Love for that precious boy was soooooo deep and pure, and unconditional that you will undoubtedly grieve the rest of your days for him. I know that grief changes over time and the constant intense pain does lesson but the loss is just so devastating it will always be there and we can only learn to live with it. You must NOT feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Since your precious Konnor passed you have done the very best that you knew how to do . There should not be punishment for this. . Bless you beautiful Lady . Till the next blog❤

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment. I hope you are right and a day will come when they will realize I am human and do not deserve what they are doing. Life is short. I truly was there when they needed me most, I think they have forgotten that.
      For myself, I must move forward. To continue to live in sadness is not living at all.
      Again, thank you. 💕

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  2. I’m so sorry that I am only just reading this! Such a heartfelt piece. I’m glad you can now smile when you think of him, that is so important.
    Grief is a destroyer. I’m amazed at how many families have been devestated, not just by the loss of a loved one, but how that loss destabilises the ones who are left. It is something I never considered before but am experiencing myself too. God bless you. Hold you memories close. Be as strong as your grief will allow x

    Like

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