Konnor provided me with a lesson on love. He was a very affectionate child. From the very beginnings of infancy to his toddler days to his last years he was loving. He loved hugs and cuddling. He was kind and caring. He had his struggles but he never let it get him down or let it deter him from loving.
There was no place he would rather be than in my lap when I came to see him. This was no problem when he was a baby and a toddler but it was a little awkward as he became older. It was difficult for his siblings to get my attention when Konnor was in my lap and didn’t move. It was there that he would stay and talk to me. Just about anything. He was calm, he never ran around like the other kids. He was content to have a super-hero figure or two and just sit in my lap and chat. It’s hard to describe how he was but to those that knew him we just say, “you know he was just being Konnor.”
Konnor didn’t understand when I would say, “you’re getting too big to sit in my lap.” For him size or age had no boundaries to my lap. He looked at me with an expression of confusion, as if he didn’t quite comprehend what I had just said to him. His head tilted to the side and his eyes glanced up at me, brows furrowed. I had explained that if he sat next to me we could still be as close as we would be if he was sitting on my lap. He then would proceed to get as close as he possibly could to me without actually being in my lap. Yet, he would be under my arm. Like a baby bird under the mother’s wing, warm and safe. He just had to be thisclose. Closeness is the key, he wanted to have body contact. It’s just that simple.
I often wonder if his constant need to give and receive affection was a lesson. What did I, we learn from him? Did he just give all the love he could possibly give because that was who he was or did he know he only had limited time? He was so attached to his mother, to his siblings, to me. He was so kind to everyone he met. He faced so many struggles in his short life. Yet he LOVED hard.
In my life I have struggled with relationships. I have, I feel, made great efforts to rebuild frail relationships, maintain those that I have and prayed for guidance to make the right choices when I’m not certain if staying has been what is right for me. I have spent years of questioning myself and my attitude, years of self-blame for the rejection of others which I perceived was because they just didn’t care enough. I decided this is over. I’ve made my peace with my relationships and what I put into them.
My emotional response to those I love is not something I can switch on and off. I can’t change any relationship on my own. I can only change my reaction to it. The past year of grieving has tired me out. I need some time out once in a while. To heal myself. Damn, I’m still an open wound! Sometimes people do not realize the emotional damage they do. Even by a simple word. It’s really come down to emotional preservation. As crazy as this may sound, it’s about my self-esteem. To get love you have to give it. Think about what you say, think about what you do and how it affects the one you say you love.
Konnor taught me that although love is unconditional you can also love yourself. Loving yourself can mean knowing when something is no longer healthy for you. Taking the time to care for yourself can mean all the difference to those in your life who are there for you. I have never learned to love myself nor have I ever really listened to my own instincts. I’m learning more about myself and I’m finding that I have been harder on myself than any one person could have been. That stopped as well.
Konnor never knew how smart he really was. He is still with me. In my heart and soul.
Konnor was eight years old when he left this earth too soon. Eight turned on its side is the symbol for infinity. How ironic is that?? My love for Konnor is infinite, his love is infinite.
He is the ultimate symbol of love never-ending.
P.S. Konnor would have been ten on March 9th. Happy Birthday in Heaven my dear Grandson. I love you and miss you more than you know. Until we meet again.