Finding Clarity

Therapists will tell you that when you enter the grieving pit of hell you shouldn’t make any life changing decisions. As if death wasn’t life changing enough. I didn’t take that advice into consideration. I felt leaving my job of nearly fourteen years was justified, I was grieving and my perception of how I was treated in that grief was my affirmation.  I felt betrayed and I was already in the planning stages of moving on when I was blindsided by tragedy.

So began my search for “something.” I wasn’t really sure what I began looking for. I told my friends that I just wanted to be content, that I wasn’t happy at my job and I knew this to be true even before Konnor’s passing. I lost my passion for staff Nursing for a while now. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I wasn’t myself at work, I felt stressed, frustrated. After nearly eighteen years on the floor in a hospital I knew when it was time to move along.

However, something happened in the process of me feeling certain I knew what I wanted to do and Konnor leaving this earth. With him went my mind, my certainty, my ability to reason, my self-control.  I went from being somewhat self-assured to being completely unhinged. It would be a long nine months before I could begin to fake it enough to fool people into believing I was okay. I was “pseudo” making it. I had created a facade so I could enter the job market as a prospective, suitable employee. So this is how the mentally ill enter the workforce I thought.

Now in retrospect, I was just stagnant. I was in pain and nothing I did would let me escape it. Moving from job to job wasn’t the answer. I wasn’t searching for anything, I was unhappy and trying to hide. But I couldn’t hide anymore. I couldn’t hide from the painful truth. Konnor was gone. I was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. In one year I had walked away from three jobs. I had to choose where to work and what to do with the rest of my life and I couldn’t at this point in my life make this type of decision. Especially one as important as my career. But what I was doing to myself was self-destructive. This person was not me. I was always stable in my career.

I came across a quote that fits the story of my life right now. A griever’s life.

“I entered the afterloss broken and shattered. It’s like I had this big bag of fragments I once called life and dumped them in the middle of this new world and said, “Here, This is all I’ve got left. What can I do with this?”

I was shattered and I had no idea what had become of myself or how to put together this person I had become. I was weakened, unable to admit to anyone how I couldn’t handle the mess I was in. Grief clouded my mind and my emotions and I couldn’t think straight.

The position I took after leaving my job of fourteen years lasted only 5 weeks. For those five weeks I cried every day to and from work not knowing what the hell I was doing. I chose employment that involved sales and marketing. I had no clue how to incorporate sale and marketing into nursing. I was not prepared to learn a whole new aspect of my career. I could not handle the orientation phase in my state of mind, I was screwed.

At one point I was unemployed. I was panicked. I knew what I had to do.

I took another nursing Job that I knew I wouldn’t be happy with but yet I had no choice. It was what I knew. It was safe. I was back in the hospital as a staff nurse. Again the stress and physical strain was enough to make me realize I needed to re-evaluate my life. I stuck it out there for eight months.

Almost exactly a year to the day later I am at a new job again. The difference is my state of mind… I believe I am finally finding clarity. I am stronger, calmer. I have accepted the part of myself that cannot handle the stress that I used to be able to handle. This is okay to admit. I have been through hell this past year, I will take a less-stressful job. Most important to note is the place of employment is with someone I trust doing something I have been wanting to do. I am still in healthcare but in a care management type role. I feel focused. I feel certain I am doing the right thing. I haven’t felt certain about anything in quite some time.

A year ago I was in a very different state of mind. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m getting there. I think Konnor would be proud.

 

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Grieving Grandmother to Konnor Mason who passed suddenly at eight years old on November 22, 2015. With this blog I hope to share my thoughts and feelings as I move forward through grief toward hope and healing.

7 thoughts on “Finding Clarity

  1. Wow!! I’m going thru the same things in my life. My wife died in May, my Mother in August and a dear friend of mine last week.
    I’m sorry for the pain you are going thru. It’s very hard to be strong. I understand the faking of happiness.

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    1. I heard about your wife and I’m sorry. I did not know about your mother.
      I can only imagine your grief. As I said, I am only a call away. Please don’t hesitate to call even just to talk, you are not alone. In the meantime your in my prayers.

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing. It has been almost 2 years since my husband passed and I didn’t listen either
    I unfortunately lost my job while out on bereavement so I made the choice to move somewhere where I discovered I had no one. At the time I didn’t think it was an issue, however, my education level doesnt include a degree and finding a job has proven to be a monumental task. (Age doesn’t help @ 54). I cannot return to the career before chuldren because the laws changed after the past recession. There are days when overwhelmed doesn’t explain it but you give me hope that the clarity I feel most days will lead me to a beginning.

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    1. I’m so sorry you are going through such a painful time. I have been there and I can tell you that only time can not heal but perhaps lessen the intensity of what you are feeling. There is light at the edge of the darkness. Hang in there, hope abounds.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for you words of compassion and hope. I hang on every day. And yes time makes the moments farther apart but I believe this is part of who I am now. I have learned the pain accompanies beautiful memories and I can smile through the pain. Thanks again.

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  3. Wow! What you went through is exactly what I went through. My daughters son also passed in March of 2015 due to an ATV accident. Twelve days later I lost my mom due to illness. My mind and my heart also went with my Ian, he was eight years old and the love of my life. My grief threw me into a depression with days and nights of crying. I now have permanent dark circles under my eyes… I didn’t want to live…I wanted that sweet boy back. I had no tears left when mom passed and I’m just now beginning to grieve for her. I know I will never be the same and will never take life for granted again. There’s a certain Blake Shelton song that I can’t listen too..not yet, that was Ian’s song. The ache in my heart will never go away, like the lump in my throat or the tears in my eyes. I loved that child so much…

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    1. Konnor was the first of my six grandchildren. He lived with me his first year, we had a bond. With him went a piece of me I will never get back. I guess you understand this. I will never understand why he was taken so young.
      So sorry for your loss, my heart weeps with yours. 💔

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