It started when I was a child. My Maternal Grandfather would sit me in his lap and speak of ghost stories as if they were fairy tales. His belief in the afterlife and the ability to come back in another form was so strong that long after I had forgotten the sound of his voice, I would forever hold within me his belief in the afterlife.
The Human spirit is a powerful gift. Combined with love, faith, determination and magical energy. I do not claim to know how it works but I have been a witness to the miracle of this great power.
Some will claim it’s all bullshit and that’s just fine with me. I am not out to debate this issue with anyone. For those of us who choose to believe it brings us great comfort to know that the spirit of our loved ones are close by.
My possible chance encounter with Konnor was Christmas Eve 2015, just a month after he passed away. I was cooking in the kitchen and my son was trying to play the Xbox but for some unknown reason it kept turning off on him. He said aloud he didnt know what was going on with it. I replied, “maybe Konnor doesn’t want you to play the Xbox right now.” Then I simply said, “Hi Konnor.” When all of a sudden I got a case of the goosebumps up my arms like crazy. It has been said that this is a sign that a deceased loved one is in the room. (Just a weird occurrence?)
My youngest daughter was very close to Konnor. She had a dream she was walking into a room and there he was standing in the room looking up at her with that beautiful Konnor smile. She did not know what to make of this dream. It shocked and at the same time, scared her. She called me upset and crying. I told her that was his way of letting her know that he was okay, he was at peace. To this day she is still struggling to find her own peace with his death. Maybe knowing he is still trying to show his love in ways that only he can will bring her some much needed comfort.
Ashlee does not show her grief for Konnor to anyone. My daughter doesn’t talk about the death of her son. She keeps it all inside, this worries me. So when she called me a few weeks back and told me she wanted to tell me something but she was worried I would think she was crazy I have to admit, I was slightly agitated. She told me the story slowly, I could tell she felt awkward, hesitant. However, she finally spit the words out…”I saw Konnor.” “What?” I asked.
She said “I think I’m going crazy. The kids were playing, running down the stairs and when I turned to look at them I saw Konnor. He was the last one running down the stairs. He just smiled at me and kept following his siblings.” You have to know my daughter to understand, she NEVER worries about sounding like she is crazy. Listening to her tell me this story not once but twice made me realize she was telling me the truth. Konnor had been there, if only for a moment.
Just last week Konnor’s father and I were out and about and I asked him if he believed that my daughter saw Konnor.
My daughter and Konnor’s father are opposites where discussions about Konnor are concerned. Where she holds it all in and walls are up, he is an open book and his wounds are bare. He immediately begins to weep. I wonder if I should have even mentioned it but herein lies the problem – we don’t want to ever forget Konnor yet his passing is still so raw and painful.
Yes, he said. He does believe her because he has felt it himself. He and Konnor’s younger brother Kole, who is currently staying with him have both felt Konnor’s presence. “What do you mean exactly?” I ask.
He tells me that he will be in a room with Kole and all of a sudden Kole will look at him with a strange expression on his face, not exactly fear but certainly confusion about what he is experiencing. Tommy at the exact moment says he feels like Konnor is in the room. Konnor and Kole were very close, it would not surprise me that Konnor would want to be near Kole. Although Tommy has not talked to Kole about this phenomenon, Tommy is certain Konnor is there. Kole is just too young to understand it.
For us, Konnor is everywhere. In our hearts, in our minds, in every Spider-man or Ironman toy we see that we know he may have liked. He is with his siblings, his parents, his family’s lives even though he is not physically present. He is here.
Some believe, some do not. I also know that if Konnor is gracing us with his spirit it may not last for very long. I must admit I wish the little booger would visit me in a dream or come running down my stairs. There are some nights I pray just to see him in my sleep. I imagine how a simple dream conversation might go, what we will talk about, to hear him say “grandma!” just one more time. It’s just not enough to look at photos or the two-minute movies that are on Facebook. In my dreams the colors are vivid, the sun is shining, he’s running, laughing and most of all – he’s alive again.
2 thoughts on “Konnor’s Spirit”
Dear Konnor’s grandmother,
I am the editor for The Compassionate Friends’ online magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone. I am always looking for good articles written by a bereaved grandparent. If you would send me any new things you have written, they need to be 800 to 1200 words, I would greatly look forward to reading them for possible publication.
Thanks for your consideration.
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I would be honored to send something to you. Thank you.