Accepting the new Me

I wasn’t really paying attention. Yet, I could feel myself becoming frustrated over nothing, like a toddler who hadn’t napped and is on the verge of tears over every little thing. I was becoming overwhelmed and I couldn’t put my emotions in check. What the hell was wrong with me. Oh yeah, I’m still grieving.

Although I’m not certain, I am pretty damn sure that Christmas is another huge trigger for me and my family. For those grieving any loss the holidays are not a happy time for us. Those beautiful Christmas songs only bring us to tears for painful reasons and that one less gift that we don’t have to buy is tearing us apart.

I was not consciously thinking about Konnor, okay I do think of him every morning but this is a normal daily process for me, I was not having conscience sad thoughts of him. At least I didn’t think I was. However, I was gradually becoming more and more crabby, less able to be active and becoming more isolate. Until the cracks in my interior made their way out and I shattered. Suddenly the tears fall again, it’s an endless cycle.

I wrote in a blog a few months ago that I was trying to work my way back to being me, my old self. That at times I could feel parts of that person come to the surface. I may have been fooling myself. Now I believe that after such a loss we don’t come back to who we were before. We can’t. I can’t. I don’t know who that person is anymore. I think that for me to try to go back to being someone I thought I was is putting too much pressure on myself. I have been through the worst year of my life, the worst pain I have ever felt, how could I ever be the same?

I read through the group posts that I’m on for grievers like myself and they all talk about the same thing when it comes to living with grief on a daily basis – it’s all pretense. Make like you are doing just fine even when it feels like your insides are bleeding and you can’t wait to get home just so you can scream or cry or both. Nobody understands what we are going through, not their fault. Thank God they don’t know. It’s a lonely process. I have never felt more alone in my life than I have this past year.

I do not view the world the same, my children the same, my other grandchildren or others in my life the same as I did after Konnor’s death. His very existence and passing changed everything for me. I don’t know what to do with this now. This hole, this space, this void, this ache. It’s that limp that people talk about that grievers have. It’s a part of you that you eventually just get used to. I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.

I’m less tolerant of people who are careless of other’s feelings. If you truly want to be in someone’s life, you will. You won’t continue to say, “Let’s get together” because if you really want to – you will. If you say it- mean it. I can tell you that I’ve had this happen a few times this year. Seriously? I think I am having a painful enough time this year but you just showed me that I really am not worth your time. Thanks. No I really won’t take it personally???

I see the world through different eyes. Some good, some not so good. Depends on what you choose to look for I suppose.

So do I worry about others opinion of me? Do you think I grieve too long, do you think I should be over it? Truth be told I don’t waste my time thinking about what these people think of my grief. I speak to those who hold meaning in my life. I can’t expend energy on those that do not understand. I have none to waste.

This grieving process is a bitch. I fucking hate it.

 

 

 

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Grieving Grandmother to Konnor Mason who passed suddenly at eight years old on November 22, 2015. With this blog I hope to share my thoughts and feelings as I move forward through grief toward hope and healing.

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