When my mind begins to wake even before my eyes have a chance to glimpse the morning light, I think of you.
When I drive in my car, no matter the destination, music gently playing to soothe my aching heart, I think of you.
When I am shopping and although I know you’re no longer here with me physically, I always stop in the toy aisle just to search for spider-man toys. Because I think of you.
When I’m blindly staring at the television not really listening, not really watching because I am thinking of you.
When I keep buying books because I used to love to read, I am trying to love it again but the words are just moving around in my brain and I can’t focus because I’m thinking of you.
When I see Grandsons with their Grandmothers holding hands, the lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow as I hurry past them so as not to cry because I think of you.
When I hear the name Konnor, no matter how old the child, I always turn to look as I feel a stab to my heart because I think of you.
When the wind is warm or with the icy chill of a winter’s breeze I sometimes close my eyes and wish it could carry the sound of your distinctive laugh that brought me so much happiness when I’m thinking of you.
When no proof exists, I know deep within me that you are aware that I am thinking of you.
As Tuesday November 22nd marks one year that we lost our beloved Konnor Mason it will be no different for us than any other day that has past these 365 days. We think of him on a daily basis, miss him every single day.
My struggle with Konnor’s loss has led me to reflect on my life and where I am going from here. I fully understand why grieving people take their energy and place it into a cause to help others in similar circumstances surrounding their loved ones death. They do it for them, the soul that has passed. To keep their name alive, to never forget they existed.
Konnor passed away from a gastric perforation, rare in an eight year old child. His pediatrician was devastated by Konnor’s passing as there was no warning signs. It was sudden and fatal. My sister reached out to an associate in the CDC to assess whether research was in place on certain bacteria that may have caused this perforation, there was none.
With Konnor’s death being so devastating, I learned the value of having coping mechanisms and support systems, this is so critical in the grieving process. I decided to look into the process to become a grief counselor. I hold a Bachelor degree in Nursing, my hope is I may transition easily. Money is very tight for me presently so if that is not an option I will certainly volunteer my time to any grief groups I can find.
Losing someone you love is not only tragic but life changing. I have come a long way this year in healing from my loss. The truth is, I don’t want to lose my daily thoughts of Konnor. I want him to have a purpose, a reason, a force in my life.
When I am dedicating my time assisting those that grieve I will be doing it with compassion and understanding because I have walked in this nightmare and lived to tell my story.
Konnor please know that it’s always because I think of you.