I wasn’t sure if I was a believer. I wasn’t raised in a religious family. Oh sure, I was baptized in the Catholic Church, I had my first communion. But I wasn’t taught anything about God that I can recall.
So when Konnor died I struggled with my faith. How could a God, if there is one, take a child from his mother? How could He bring so much pain to a family?
Through my grief I came to realize those questions may never be answered. I came to realize that I had to decide if I believed in Him enough to trust that Konnor’s time on earth was short for a reason. Konnor was a gift, a gift of the purest form of love. From Konnor we learned about patience and bravery and kindness and above all – love and for that I do feel blessed.
So in the month after Konnor left us, weak from grief and with no place left to go and with my heart broken, I stepped into Plainfield Community Church. That very first sermon was about loss. Let me say that again. The very first sermon was about loss. “Trust your tears to the Lord” “There is something that has led you here today,” said the Preacher. And I, alone in my pew cried.
The next Sunday I went back and I heard things like “Fear not for I am with you even in the mist of turmoil – do not fear for God is with you.” In that moment I knew that He was. I felt His love and I felt peace. A peace that I had not known with Konnor’s death.
I know what your thinking. Coincidence. But there’s more.
I had a really bad day. For the most part I can get through most days by reminding myself to breathe, focus on the tasks of the day. But sometimes being in my car alone is a huge trigger and I cry just by listening to the radio. So again I am crying. Out loud I say, “Lord, I am tired and I feel like giving up. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know if I believe that Konnor is alright. I need a sign. I need something to help me hold on.” The very next song on the radio was “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley. Personally, I love this song and it holds a lot of meaning to me, so for this to come on at that very moment, well….
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I am feeling a sense of peace at these moments that cannot be explained. There were many more of these while I was out of work (I was so lost I had quit two jobs after my grandson’s death) and very scared about where I was headed in my life. I am finding I can put my faith in Him and He has my back when I am weary.
At my most fearful time, I recall telling my son that all of a sudden I felt a sense of calm I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt it deep within my soul. A feeling like everything was going to be alright. The next day I was hired for a new job.
I have a renewed faith that gets me through because God has shown me He is with me…In my darkest hours, I am not alone.
Losing Konnor has by far been the worse thing I have ever been through. I miss him every day. Yet I do believe he is in good hands, he is at peace.
Because I believe.